The Sales of Lesser-Known Saints

Dear Hallmark : We're all very impressed by what you've done with St Valentine's day. No, really- the appropriation of the death-date of a Roman heretic who went ahead and practiced illegal marriage ceremonies and its transformation into one of the biggest gift-giving events of the year ? Seriously, bravo. Aside from the chocolates, the cards, the squishy teddy bears and the extortionate romantic holidays, you've also spawned an entirely new way to feel bad about oneself, a season around which Hollywood can organise its mushiest films, and an anti-movement just as strong as its lovey-dovey counterpart.

So why did you stop there ?

No sir I ain't fakin' / When I say I don't eat bacon

There are plenty of other Saints in the Roman Catholic calendar just begging to be used for money-making ends, and a lot of them are better documented than St Valentine. These lesser-known saints come prepared with their own celebration day, traditions and a pre-defined demographic just waiting to be told what to want, and more importantly, what to spend.

1^st March – St David's Day

Patron Saint of – Wales, Vegetarians, Poets

Perfect Gift – Notebook embossed with a leek in which to write haikus about how mean it is to eat fluffy animals.

5^th March – St Piran's Day

Patron Saint of – Cornwall, Tin-miners

Perfect Gift- Cornish Pasty, Budgie

23^rd April – St George's Day

Patron Saint of – England, Farmers, Syphilis

Perfect Gift- Syphilis. Or wellies.

25^th July – St James (son of Zebedee)

Patron Saint of- Pharmacists, Vets

Perfect Gift- Magic Roundabout box-set, ketamin.

28^th October- St Jude

Patron Saint of- Armenia, Desperate Situations

Perfect Gift- Help someone change a tyre while singing the traditional hymn of St Jude- « Na, Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey Jude »

11^th November- St Martin

Patron Saint of- Wine-Makers, Inn-Keepers, Reformed Alcoholics

Perfect Gift- Something mind-bogglingly oxymoronic, traditionally a bottle of brandy and a leaflet for an AA meeting

13^th november- St Lucy

Patron Saint of- Writers, Salesmen, Throat Infections

Perfect Gift- Strepsils, which they will probably try to sell back to you.

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